Mending Affairs: Must a cheater come clean to save the marriage?

Oftentimes, couples come into marital counseling ex¬hibiting some of the problems that landed them there—mainly arguing. Sometimes, one partner will make jokes that border on criticism. Sometimes, the other partner will not talk about feelings until halfway through therapy, when the bomb is dropped: he or she is having an affair.

The affected partner is usually devastated. But, sometimes, by discussing the confession, the couple begins to talk more openly than they had in years. In fact, the revelation, say marital researchers, may actually be what saves the marriage.

Couples who are grappling with infi¬delity may benefit more from marital therapy than other couples—provided that the cheating partner comes clean either before or during therapy. In a recent study of marital therapy, men and women who had had affairs and kept the fact from their spouse—but disclosed it to research¬ers in anonymous questionnaires—failed to make much progress after several months of counseling.

In such cases, the therapy probably fails because one partner is not commit¬ted to the process. Even when the affair is over, secrecy indicates a continuing lack of trust and openness in the relationship. At least 25 percent of men and 15 per¬cent of women have had an affair, data suggest.

There are a few exceptions to the spill-the-beans rule. For example, a cheating wife confronted at night by a drunken husband with a gun might do well to lie. Also, people who feel that they might prefer not to know about a spouse’s transgression might spare themselves emotional pain, but they lose out on the closeness that open discussion can bring.

Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies, takes an adamant pro-disclosure stance. He says, “It’s exceedingly difficult to salvage a marriage when one person is trying to protect the guy under the bed.” The cheater can’t participate fully in a relationship. The benefit of coming clean varies from couple to couple. What seems most important is that the unfaithful partner address why he or she had the affair. If a cheating husband enjoyed being open and vulnerable with his lover, for example, then he should try to bring those qualities into his marriage.

Of course, a secret can always be found out. Some therapists, such as the late psychologist Shirley Glass, a pioneer of infidelity research, believes that marriages fare better after a voluntary confession compared to after an unwanted discovery. In some cases there’s a medical issue—a hidden affair may put a partner at risk for sexually transmitted diseases or AIDS. If, and when, an unfaithful partner chooses to tell, he or she must decide how. Experts suggest a candid, detailed discussion that steers clear of X-rated minutiae.