Here is some general information about the stages of grief for children. The number of steps depends on what book you read, I guess...but, this seems to do a good job of presenting grief as a more time-sensitive issue, which I think is important...otherwise, people tend to focus on the stages (which is the wrong thing to focus on)...rather, experiencing the grief is what's important, not going through the stages...

The steps are as follows:
Stage I -Breaking Old Habits
Time of death to eight weeks

Stage II -Beginnings of Reconstruction of Life
Eight weeks to one year

Stage III -Seeking New Love Objects or Friends
One year to two years

Stage IV -Readjustment Completed
After two years

Here's some general information about grieving, broken down into age groups.

Two to Five Years Old.

Because grief is only intermittently seen in this age group, parents often erroneously think the child is not affected by the loss. However, a lack of outward evidence does not mean grieving is not occurring. Initially, a child may not understand death fully and may ask seemingly inappropriate questions. Later, younger children show a degree of bewilderment and may show some regressive behavior, such as clinging to others and they may become demanding. They inquire repeatedly about the whereabouts of the deceased person and may demand to know why the dead person has not returned and what they are doing. There is a yearning for the dead person's return and there may be an angry protest when it does happen. Often there is anger with the deceased for the desertion and the resulting chaos in the family life. The anger can be directed towards a surviving parent or significant other.

The loss will be worse if a child is sent away to an unfamiliar en-vironment for “protection” from adults’ grief and from funeral activities. This often results in anxiety, since the child is deprived of the secure predictable world of the family. This can totally disrupt a sense of security and bring about concerns for the child's own survival. At this age, obsessive thinking about the deceased, longing, and sadness are common. A child of this age will be likely to review and remember relationships with the deceased. Grief and withdrawal of emotional at-tachment may take a long time, even if the child feels secure enough to let it occur. The child may have a tendency to overidealize the deceased. This can cause problems later on if the child compares survivors to an idealized loved one. At this age, adults may find it intolerable to acknowledge child’s painful grieving. As a result, a child may deny his or her feelings and inhibit their expression. This can be quite harmful to the child. While inhibiting a child’s mourning at any age is harmful, it is a greater problem for a child at this age, since he or she lacks the security and resources to grief in the absence of support from adults.

Five to Eight Years Old.

At this age a child has a better understanding of death and its implications, although not at an adult level. The child is particularly vulnerable since they understand much about death, but have little coping capacity to deal with it. Denial is often the prime defense in the face of loss. For example, a child is likely to act as if nothing has happened. The child needs to hide their feelings out of concern about be being "babyish"; a child may have a great fear of loss of control and of being dependent on adults as when they were younger. A child may take on adult demands for containing emotions or they may have identified with adult restriction of feelings of grief. As a result, a child may cry and express deep feelings of sadness, but in private. Even those who are close may not be aware of this expression of loss and sadness. Thus, while the child is affected by the loss inside, it is not reflected in outward behavior. As a consequence, others incorrectly may see the child as being uncaring, unloving, or unaffected, and may not provide the support and comfort that is desperately needed. This is particularly unfortunate because children of this age tend to shut out feelings and end up not dealing with their grief unless they are given strong permission and support to do so. This is why a parent clearly and repeatedly gives the child permission, through what is said and done, to deal with his those feelings of sadness and loss. Provide a child with more constructive ways to deal with his grief and to remember his loved one, as giving the opportunity to talk about feelings in a trusting relationship. Make the child feel safe enough to deal with his distress and sadness. Other responses a bereaved child may have are guilt, which comes from his fear that his or her anger may have caused the death; concern about being different from his friends, since a family member is gone, fear about your vulnerability and that of surviving family members need to become self-reliant and helpful. For example, an eight-year girl may become a “little mother” to her younger brothers and sister in an attempt to shut out her grief, overcompensate for the longing her mother, and act out her own need to be cared for.

Eight to Twelve Years Old.

Although the child of this age is not as dependent on a parent as before, independence is still quite fragile. The loss of a parent or other family member can reawaken feelings of childishness and helplessness. Although the child longs for the deceased loved one, grieving children may believe that “childish” feelings must be controlled. As a result, a child may be unable share feelings of sadness with anyone and may put on a facade of independence and coping. Anger is easier for a child to deal with, since it is more powerful than the “childish” feelings of longing and yearning. General irritability may be a symptom of this anger but often is not recognized as such by the child or those around them. In fact, some parents may inappropriately view it as difficult behavior, and then the child either loses parental support. At this age a child is still unable to accept the finality of the specific death of the loved one, although they do recognize the finality and irrevers-ibility of death, in general. Added to the fact that yearning and longing is often repressed, this puts your child at risk for unresolved grief. Just as younger children do, the child may hold on to the relationship with the deceased in a fantasized, idealized way that can create further problems -with parents or other surviving family members. For example, negative feelings about the deceased person may be projected onto a parent or significant other.

A child of this age may choose to retreat into some symbolic behavior associated with the deceased person, which is a way of identifying with that person's behavior or persona. A child may also try to act “grown up” in an attempt to master the pain of the loss and deny his or her helplessness. Again, a child this age, may start to compulsively care for others, or act in the reverse and become controlling or bossy. Both of these are attempts to deal with feelings of helplessness and sadness. More than at any other time, there is a tendency for a child of this age to be fearful, to develop phobias, to be overly concerned about their body, and to become hypochondriacal. Sudden death at this age may bring shock, denial, and possibly anxiety and distress. The child is frightened by what has happened. When the death is anticipated, there seems to be less need for the ex-treme denial that often comes into play following a sudden death; however, denial is likely to occur. Children of this age often lack opportunities to share their grief and are conflicted about inhibiting it. A child needs to share longing and the process of mourning with others. However, too often the grief and mourning of children in this age group goes unrecognized. This happens especially if they do not act out their bereavement, but take it quietly and become withdrawn, marking time until they can acknowledge the pain of their loss and appropriately grieve. For some, grieving can only begin when the family is stable and secure again, or when a relationship is established with who can make the child feel secure enough to express her yearn-ing and sadness over the death. This will is an important part of the grieving process. Teachers provide such relationships, which can promote necessary mourning.

The bottom line of grief is that the process is pretty individual...we’re all different and we all have different speeds that we move at.

Dr. Dave